Sometimes after I teach a peer-to-peer feedback workshop, people go back to work and run amok. They give feedback on every little thing and every minor irritation.
That doesn't help...but the rule of three might.
Keep in mind that the over-arching goal of peer-to-peer feedback in the work place is to improve working relationships and work results. That means you don't get to give feedback about issues that don't affect either of those areas--doing so can damage working relationships.
But if you find yourself feeling irritated about small things--for example, the way someone cracks his knuckles or chews gum--it may be a sign that you haven't given feedback about something that does matter, like a pattern of behavior that affects the work.
As an aside, I think the title of the HBR piece, "When to Confront Someone," is unfortunate. Most people don't like confrontations and will go out of their way to avoid them.
When feedback conversations and negotiating working relationships are characterized as confrontations, they seem bigger, scarier and riskier than they need to be.
Paradoxically, avoiding the conversation when issues are small increases the likelihood that things will escalate to a confrontation.
I have a rule for dealing with these types of situations — times when I'm not sure if it's worth raising an issue. I need a rule because it's often hard to know if something's a big enough deal to address until it's too late and then, well, it's too late. It's already gotten out of hand. On the other hand if I jump on every single issue the first time it comes up then, well, I'll be out of hand.
The first time someone does something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I notice it. The second time, I acknowledge that the first time was not an isolated event or an accident but a potential pattern and I begin to observe more closely and plan my response. The third time? The third time I always speak to the person about it. I call it my rule of three.
You can read more about these at : http://estherderby.amplify.com/2010/10/07/when-to-bring-up-issues-with-peers/
